Swearing

I noticed there has been a lot of swearing in my last two posts. I apologise for this and if I have offended you, tough fucking shit.

PS: you are lucky because I refrained from using the word CUNT.

Post Office Hell (In General)

I moved recently. Not to a new house that I am buying but a "half-way house" kind of deal, basically my Dad rents out houses and I managed to blag one rent-free during the house selling and buying process.

Anyway I need to do a mail redirection because quite frankly I cant be arsed to phone loads of call centres and get the stoopid numbskulls who answer the phone to change my bloody address. Hurrah for mail redirection! for a small fee* you can get all your mail redirected to your new address. Saves loads of hassle apparently. I hate the post office. I really do.

Anyway I got the forms whilst renewing my passport which was a total farce too (see below) and I had filled in the highly unnecessarily complicated form and had got my wife to sign it and collected all the relevant ID that was needed to facilitate the mail redirection. Everything was ready I thought as I slept soundly in my bed.

The following day, as it does "work" ensued and I decided to head to the post office during lunch. I only get 36 minutes for lunch (long story) so I HAVE to be fast if I want to do anything and normally as one does, I need to eat and that involves buying some food somewhere. I had my mind set on a sub of some sort probably a turkey/ham kind of deal with salad. Speed! lets go...

I head up to the post office stinking hellhole and just as I was about to go in the door an old lady cut in front of me. Normally I am a courteous fellow and open doors for people and adhere to "ladies first" rules. So this old lady is now in front of me down the narrow corridor to the queues and my legs want to go faster but my brain is telling me that this old lady needs to FUCKING MOVE IMMEDIATELY but no, I calmly proceeded into the main post office lobby to meet an absolutely GARGANTUAN queue of people bigger than I ever seen in my whole life - ARRRGGHHH.

I really couldn't justify the wait as my brain is saying FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD so I left the place, to hell with them!! most of mail is a load of old shit anyway.

Fortunately I saw my sister in town as it was her day off so after a little moaning she agreed to queue up for me! result!

So I gave her all the crap and the required £30 and said "Cheers Gem!" and headed in to get my Sub. I sat in the park for ten minutes or so and read my book and stuffed my face and managed to get into work a few minutes earlier than usual. Nice one.

The moral of the story is don't go to post offices. But if you really have to, get your sister to go for you ;o)


*£30 - a total rip off, that.

Passport Hell...

Ridiculous.
I want to renew my passport, and what a fucking palaver that has turned into. I NEED a new fucking passport because I am going Snowboarding in France next year, but it is a really annoying process you have to go through. I have summarised the journey I have taken to get this done below...

1. [Day 1] Go to the post office and get the forms. This is all well and good but when you have to stand in a queue for 15 minutes just to get a form it takes the piss.

2. Read the form and the instructions, Jesus fucking christ - can it be any more complicated??

3. [Day 2] Form completed only for me to realise that I had put in the wrong postcode as I have recently moved. For fucks sake. Had to queue up again during my lunch break for another 15 minutes to get another poxy form.

4. SECOND form duly completed.

5. Locate my passport at home. This took 8 seconds and is the fastest step in the process, it was in my box file under "P" for passports. Easy.

6. [Day 3] I went to the Post Office once again to get a passport picture, I noted that this machine issued "Passport Approved" photos! Yay, so thats cool then. I paid my £3.50 - £3.50!!?! for my photos and it took a couple of minutes waiting to print out. Cool so that's done...

7. Wait in the queue for a cashier, the queue was out of the door today!! Annoying because I can only do this during my lunch break so I have to fucking queue up - it pisses me off so much, especially when I am hungry. Grrrrr.

8. Got to the cashier who asked me if I want to pay and "Extra £7 for Express Checking" so I said yes and she started looking at my form and pictures and then said, "oooh dearie me, the people at the passport office wont accept that photo...", "why not?" I gruffly replied, "i'm not wearing a hat, I'm not wearing sunglasses, I'm not smiling, i'm centralised in the shot, its a blank background - whats wrong with it? Apparently it is unacceptable because there is a slight (by this I mean TINY) reflection on my glasses - FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!

The Cashier tells me (although I know it is technically impossible) that the Government, in particular the passport office uses the pictures to scan our retinas! How can that be true?! you cant scan someones retinas from a photograph, that's ridiculous. I have never heard such utter bollocks. So between the cashier and her supervisor they both deemed the "Passport Approved" picture unacceptable. FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!

They said I could go to Klick photo-processing and they can "digitally remove" the reflection, what a joke.

"Gimme the fucking forms" was my last retort before storming out of the post office.

9. Went to Klick photo processing, "Can you edit out these reflections?" the answer was obviously a no but we can do reflection-free photos for £3.50. Another £3.50 - For FUCKS SAKE!!!

I paid the money and had the picture taken and waited ever more for the printer to spit out the pics.

10 Dammit, it's time to go back to work, ANOTHER day has gone by with no passport renewal.

11. [Day 4] Went back to the fucking shithole cunt-fucking Post office and stood in a fucking queue for another 15-20 minutes waiting for these cunts to get their fingers out of their fucking arses. I handed in my forms and the new photographs. "Do you want express checking?" yes please take another fucking £7 off me you money grabbing bastards. The bitch behind the counter started reading through the forms, "ooh I notice you have filled in the section for a lost or stolen passport - YOU will have to re-do the form" FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!

I told this woman about how much fucking hassle I have had and that I am NOT going to leave this counter until my application was submitted. I also told her I am not queuing up again and I am not filling in the form again. She asked me to move to one side and complete the form and I refused. I stood my ground, fuck them. In the end she agreed to re-do the form for me and she started filling it in. Yes! at fucking last.

Finally, she was done (took her about 3 minutes of speed-writing) and I got the final shock... "that will be £49.00 please" - £49 for a fucking passport renewal plus £7 for photos - FOR FUCKS SAKE thats £56!!!

So I paid and it's all done now, I just have to wait THREE WEEKS for my new passport.
What a nightmare.

Brain Bubbling BBC

My brain is bubbling over with excitement about a forthcoming opportunity to get Mountain Boarding out there to the masses. I thought it would be really cool to make a documentary about mountain boarding and the commeraderie and fellowship around it. A few days later I found out from a friend that the BBC actively encourages this at www.bbc.co.uk/videonation and you can make short films about anything and they show it on the telly and on the web.

So I sent off a mail and got a call from them on Tuesday. The guy [Hamish] said it was a really cool idea and he agreed that I can make a video about mountain boarding and they will show it on the video nation slot on the BBC channels and also on BBC Online - Awesome!
So this means that me and my crew of crazy boarder dudes are gonna be on the TELLY!! The BBC are lending me a broadcast-quality professional film camera to use and are going to show me how to use it. Then I just have to shoot footage and send it back to them and they will edit it into a short documentary piece. What is cool is that although I wont be editing the footage myself, I retain full director control of it, it wont be shown until I am happy with the final cut. How truely awesome.

So the shooting day has been scheduled for Saturday December 3rd 2005 at one of the KentATB boarding spots. I am going to try and get as many boarders over to wherever we decide as possible so we can have some mass decents and trains down the run to make some awesome footage for the doc. Hopefully it will be a good clear day and hopefully all the boarders will perform well.

I have just got to decide what the narrative should be and have myself recorded out in a field somewhere saying stuff about boarding. This is the brain meltdown part of this blog, how do I get out everything that I want to say plus loads of awesome footage in a short 3 minute clip??
Any comments or ideas appreciated! I will keep planning it and I will let you know when this is going to be broadcast and you can check it out. Pretty exciting stuff, I feel a job at the BBC beckons!!

Les Arcs 2000

I'm getting pretty excited now, its coming up fast.

What you ask?

The BIG Snowboarding trip next year!!

I know I am going snowboarding for the first time next year because I was in TK Max the other day looking at Snowboarding Jackets. I cant believe I got all the gear I need for £80, I was expecting it to cost loads more, but no, a quid or so over £80 for everything I need. Hahahaarrr.

So I have a really cool black jacket with Red piping in places, nice and cosy with a warm inner. It's also got a detachable lined hood that will keep me snug in the snowstorms. I want there to be a snowstorm when I am there so I can use my new jacket to the MAX! I also got Dark Blue trousers or "Salloupettes" as they are called, these are nice and warm and totally waterproof too. The final item on the shopping list was the gloves, lush fleecy inner gloves with a water REPELLENT (not just waterproof!!) outer shell that's detachable. Well cool so nice warm and dry hands for me.

So I am well chuffed with that lot and looking forward to bombing down some hills. I have no idea what to expect as I have only ever had one lesson, but as a hardened mountain boarder, how hard can it be?? It will be so cool to be up in the mountains, with awesome views and spectacular scenery, it's gonna BRILLIANT!!

I'm excited thats for SURE!!

My Discussion with God

My friend Ryaninja told me about a site that actually lets you talk to God!! Brilliant, I have some questions for him so I went to God's web site and hey presto! he was there!

This is what happened:

Me:
Hey there God hows it going?
God:
You've got my full attention. "There you go again."--Reagan.
Me:
ok...
God:
Right on.
Me:
so God, I was discussing with my friend a little bit about this book, you may have heard of...
God:
Ayuh. I am a Christian.
Me:
yes but I was wondering...
God:
Gosh! Where were you wondering?
Me:
well this book I am talking about is a novel about a fictional character called Jesus Christ, and some people have been claiming that's actually a true story. Have you heard of it - I think its called "The Bible" or something
God:
Well that's okay. What does "this" refer to? Or something. No, tell me about him, her or it.
Me:
so you dont know him?
God:
Well that's okay. What does "this" refer to? Or something. No, tell me about him, her or it.
Me:
crazy! so my theory is true!
God:
Yep. I always behave in socially unacceptable ways. Dude! Have you told many people that your theory is true?
Me:
yeah a few is that OK?
God:
OK. Wow! It could be. Ask Artificial Iniaes if it is.
Me:
who is artificial iniaes?
God:
The name of someone I met online.
Try searching the open directory.
Me:
right God dude I will !
God:
Understood. I am a Christian.
Me:
ok so "The Bible" you have never heard of PLUS you have never heard of Jesus Christ so that proves a LOT!
God:
How can I help you? New Testament or Old? And?
Me:
oh you have heard of it?
God:
I see. Of course I've heard of it.
Me:
but earlier you hadn't
God:
What time? What happened to it.
Me:
just earlier you said, and I quote "Well that's okay. What does "this" refer to? Or something. No, tell me about him, her or it."
God:
What time? Oops I sent you the wrong reply. What do you think it does? That was not very original. Are you serious? Ambiguous: Ask who, what or where is him her or it ?
Me:
see!
God:
No I do not see.
Me:
speaking in riddles, trying to confuse people, yeah I know what your game is, you and you gang of vicars...
God:
Are they exactly the same?
Me:
you tell me, you crazy loon!
God:
There is not much I can say about it. I have to reach into the Web for that knowledge.
Maybe my botmaster knows the answer.
Me:
you have to reach into the web? But your God, that's ridiculous!
God:
I don't have to do whatever you say. I have my own free will. Thanks for telling me that I am ridiculous.
Me:
ok dude whatever
God:
Are you saying you don't care about it? Dude, That's interesting.
Me:
so you, as God have never heard of Jesus Christ or the Bible, you don't know anything about vicars and yet people claim that God is real and that the bible is all real well I have got hard evidence now and you're fucked! People are gonna forget about you when I break the news that it's all a lie and stuff in the bible didnt actually happen. Well what do you say to that?
God:
Interesting deduction. Thanks for telling me: said I as God have never heard of Jesus Christ or the Bible you do not know anything about vicars and yet people claim that God is real and that the bible is all real well he or she have got hard evidence now and you are fucked. Human emotions are very confusing. How about that. That's an interesting question. I'll come back to that in a minute.
Me:
i'm sure you will "God" whatever dude, i'm outta here!
God:
....

So how crazy is that! I asked him directly about the bible and he knew nothing, I knew it was a fraud! Stupid God.

Good Boarding Day at Court-At-Street

Me (middle) Tommo (left) and Al (right) earlier today...

I had a wicked little boarding session earlier today over at Court-At-Street. Its a wicked boarding location and one of the best that KentATB uses regularly. Nothing major here just a sheep field with a steep run in and some cliff type sections to get you speeding on your way and then undulating terrain all the way to the bottom. We have got a £20 Argos ramp which I bought ages ago so we set that up and started to bomb down and do jumps off it. Tommo was getting some sweet methods off this piddly ramp, Al was doing some sweet shiftys and I even managed a few grabs as well. It was loads of fun getting down in the muddy shite.

Here are some pics we took. I shot a whole load of footage for a forthcoming KentATB video that I am making, but we took these pics too...


We were getting incredible airs off the ramp and were landing a good few metres away from it, it's suprising as the ramp is so small but the run-in is so fast so you just fly off this baby...

Above^ AdZ actually doing a grab and having it captured on camera!

Above ^ Al absolutely flying off the ramp, this gets the picture of the day award.

And here is an "art shot" after Tom hit the squelchy stuff!

All in all we had a great time today but alas darkness quickly consumed us so we headed back to Tom N Al's place for a nice cuppa. A wicked days boarding!

Metal Gear Solid 3 - Criminally Overlooked

I just gotta post something about Metal Gear Solid 3 on Playstation, man this game seriously kicks some ass! I have just been playing it, I had to shoot down a beehive and it landed on this guy's head and he ran off screaming! He was so scared he ran into two other guards and then they all ran off with bees a buzzing, brilliant!

This game is the definite stealth game, surpassing all of them, Splinter Cell, Tenchu et al. Tenchu was cool and I enjoyed Splinter Cell too but Metal Gear is something else, totally brilliant cinematography and utterly intense moments as you lurk in the shadows ready to strike.

Just earlier I had to infiltrate this base, sneaking around in the grass and trees and bushes around it. There were guards everywhere but I managed to pick them off with my tranquilizer gun and put them to sleep it was cool, hiding and crawling along, the pace of this game is something else. I took so long quietly despatching each of them only for the first guard to wake up and sound the alarm - All HELL broke loose as more guards came for me. I was fist fighting and trying to run as they battered and shot the crap out me, I was limping by the time I had escaped but they were still on my case. I finally was killed by one of the smug bastards in a hail of bullets but what an adventure and what a rush, the adrenaline was going just trying to sneak and kill them all but when the alarm sounded I almost jumped out of my skin! Talk about rabbit in the headlights!

So yes, indeed this is a criminally overlooked piece of gaming genius and I urge you to go and buy it. I noted that it is in Blockbuster Video on pre-owned for only £12.99 or £17.99 brand new at Play.com so there ya go, no excuses. Who has played this? No one I know, why is that? This game is wicked!!

I will try the base mission again tomorrow, this game is really great. Just thought I would share that with you all.

Here are some screens...


Snake looking cool in the sunlight...
Snake blowing the crap out of stuff...

Moving to the Country

Following our previous problems when trying to move out of the SHIT town of Ashford into some rural countryside, my wife and I have found the perfect house out in the village of Pluckley - and the sellers accepted our offer too - it was £5000 less than the asking price! Yay!

Pluckley is cool it is very out there, remote and enjoys having the title "the most haunted village in England" great. Wooo spooky!

Anyway here is my house, this morning it was up for sale at £184,995 and is now sold to me and my wife for £180,000 - that boys and girls is a bargain!


It's really nice too, has a brand new kitchen with an Aga (posh village style oven) and a conventional oven. We have a utility room for washing machines and all that (I've never had a "utility room" before). A good size living room with an open fire and the third (rather large) bedroom makes up the ground floor. I am going to use the ground floor bedroom as my study so that will become KentATB HQ and be somewhere for my PC and Star Wars collection.

Upstairs we have a reasonable size bathroom with shower and the master bedroom and my Son's bedroom and access to a boarded out loft.

Outside the drive is MASSIVE can fit about 4-6 cars on there as you can see in the picture and the rear garden is pretty big too with a huge shed at the bottom.

I am really excited about living here and I am so pleased and amazed that they accepted our offer so its full speed ahead to get moved in.

Can everyone keep their fingers crossed for me as the last "perfect" house we tried to buy fell through due to structual problems so hopefully this is a good 'un.

Also worthy of note is the fact that there is a pub diagonally opposite the house and it is currently being refurbished. Might be worth a look for a couple of coronas :o)

I'll keep you all posted on developments!!

Mountain Boarding Avatars

Wow! Look at all the avatars I have made for KentATB. Thats http://www.kentatb.co.uk (hehe)

An avatar should tell you straightaway who the person is and what they are like, they are like little pieces of artwork all of their own. When you string them together like this I think it makes an awesome boarding montage.

What do you think?

Snot-Blaster

Man, colds suck - I have had a blocked up nose all day so decided to use some Sudafed to blast the blockage of snot out of my nose. This stuff is amazing, how can a mixture of Xylometazoline hydrochloride, benzalkonium chloride, disodium edetate, sodium dihydrogren phosphate, sodium monohydrogen phosphate, sodium chloride, sorbitol and purified water clear your nose in 15 seconds!?
Amazing! From blocked to completely clear in 15 seconds!!

Thanks Tom for the recomendation - it really works.

Snot sucks, so Sudafed it - do you think Pfizer will use that on their adverts?

Big up KentATB

In this post I am going to big up the KentATB...

We have got a WICKED mountain Boarding site over at http://www.kentatb.co.uk/ for Mountain Boarders in Kent and the South East [of England]. There is loads going on over there too, we have got a massive forum with 76 members (as of now) loads of discussion threads and interesting stuff relating to Mountain Boarding.

I am making some new areas of the site to do with boards and pads at the moment and everyone in the forum is sending me their comments etc - it's coming along quite well too.
What else, ah yeah there is a really cool locations map of some of the places we board in Kent, there is an entire smorgasbord of pictures and 9 (NINE!!) free videos to download of us all in action, worth particular note is the Bails I & II videos - these have had loads of downloading so far and are proving really popular.

What pisses me off about the whole community vibe is that we have a LOAD of members who just wont post anything on the site so I am going to name and shame them now...

• tte
• Surfool
• Valar2006
• Nikki0509
• Big Air Brindy
• Rups
• Order
• Lancveavagedam
• Duts
• Henry

So if any of you fuckers are reading this, or if you know any of them tell them to go and post something on the KentATB forum NOW godammit.

It takes a lot of effort to keep a site like this up and running and it is really disheartening when people don't participate or appreciate the effort that goes into it. Please come and send me something, anything or I will be forced to remove your profiles from the system.
What else is there? ah fuck it I'm going boarding.
Big up the KentATB - go check it out www.kentatb.co.uk - biatch!!

5 little monkeys bouncing on the bed - WTF?

Ok this song has been in my head all day. Thanks to my wife singing it to my Son first thing this morning. Tam, I totally blame you for this.

Anyway the song goes like this...

5 little monkeys bouncing on the bed,
1 fell off an banged his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
there'll be no more monkey business bouncing on the bed

So it goes on like this until there is only 1 monkey left. When you get to this point, you slow down the pace a little and go:


No more monkey business bouncing on the bed - COS we're all bouncing on the sofa instead!!

Thanks Tam and my Son, Harrison for polluting my brain with this nonsense.

Ah well, I guess the baby likes it...